The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
You Might Also Like
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight