My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
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Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)