Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
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My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
This could be us… but you playing
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
See..?
.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party