*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
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Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.