I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
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Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.