Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
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Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.