You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
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“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Thursday Thought.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies