[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
You Might Also Like
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you