The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
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I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
is it earth
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!