Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
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Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Come back with a warrant
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.