That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
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Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
My favorite female superhero
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
BETRAYAL
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen