Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
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I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary