I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
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[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Going to church you guys need anything
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?