Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
You Might Also Like
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.