Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
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[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Same post same
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.