*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
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People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
A choir of Spring onions
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers