Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
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An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
☠️☠️☠️
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*