Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
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I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Love this guy
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition