I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
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My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
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if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.