“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
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If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Maths meets science
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Fluff me with a fork baby
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….