I once had a tweet go bacterial.
You Might Also Like
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.