When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
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The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.