Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.