Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
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And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
These are my roll models.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm