You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
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I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!