The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
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Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.