I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
You Might Also Like
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
#JohnTravolta
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.