I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
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accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
A ghost story
drew a comic about my origin story
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.