“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
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[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
what
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Britain be like
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
The 6 types of sex
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will