I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
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[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Can’t, holding a grudge
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
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Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school