*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
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COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.