This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.