I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
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I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?