13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
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When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single