my dog when i have a friend over
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*orders delivery*
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.