After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
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I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge