There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
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5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
don’t be scared
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?