I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
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My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!