The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
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“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”