Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
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Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
kids play hide and seek like
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Saturday
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Can’t. About to go please some beans
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier