3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
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One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Stonehinge
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
*watches the world burn*
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great