I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
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Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!