My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame