My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
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I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
water it, i dare you
Every house has this drawer
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums