“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
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SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no