A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
You Might Also Like
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Botany good plants lately?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.