Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
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Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
PLOT TWIST:
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.