A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
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Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Autocarrot sucks!
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Perfect
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?