Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
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on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
My ideal weight is five million dollars
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?