The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
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Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I have never related to a cat more
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Bed should get ready for ME
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it